Eclipse 04

Self-portraits have always been a zone of discomfort for me — both technically and psychologically. In previous shoots, I sought control: first I took digital shots to imagine what the film result would look like, built the composition, caught the pose in the last seconds. This process was intense, physically exhausting, and at the same time — too rational. I was troubled by the idea of ​​​​the “right” shot, a fixed look at myself.

This time I decided to surrender completely to the process. I shot on film, using the multiple exposure technique - I shot one film twice in such a way that the images overlapped one another randomly. I did not remember the order in which I took the shots, I did not see the angles — I could not predict the result. This shoot turned into an experience of complete trust, when I was observing, not directing.

I felt confused in the process. It was difficult to let go of the habit of reflecting myself through others — in this work I remained as if in a dialogue with emptiness. Without an external gaze, without response, without feedback. This state became a reflection of my general psycho-emotional background: I have a major depressive disorder. Work on the series fell on the period of the corridor of eclipses — a time when fear, instability, and internal chaos were especially acute.

Despite everything, this shoot became a resource. The process of taking self-portraits helped me return to my body, ground myself, and feel “here and now.” Relinquishing control made it possible to see myself in a different light.

This series is about self-observation, about fragility and acceptance. About healing not through force, but through permission: for spontaneity, for chaos, for ambiguity.